It’s odd, no one has heard from Vi in a while. As I walk up to my apartment I notice that all of her lights are still out. I stopped by yesterday as I've been getting a little worried about her. She has been pushing for our apartments to join the tenants' union pretty hard for the past month and recently a tenants' union organizer in the city over, Durham, had their car firebombed. She is usually very social and, honestly, the life line of community in our apartments. Before Vi started organizing here there was no real community, besides those landlord hosted events that reeked of corporatism and plastic. I need to check in on her again. She has been trying to get me to read her zine on Christian socialism for a few months, but I keep putting it off. I just always feel like I have too much to do and as an atheist I have been somewhat uninterested in it. But she is my friend and she does so much for us that I really should suck it up and read it. The last time I saw her was at a rent party she hosted in her apartment to help one of our neighbors, Dylan, avoid eviction. I should just knock now, but there is something about her door that feels odd, off even. I notice she has one of those door bell cameras now. I wonder when she got it? I have never noticed it before. I walk to my balcony and pick some basil and spinach for tonight’s dinner. Its getting near the end of the season and I feel a chill in the air that lets me know soon my garden will be dormant. I pick some extra herbs and greens, I’ll bring them over when I visit Vi, she always appreciates fresh veggies. I make dinner, eat, take my estrogen and spiro, then decide I should check on Vi. I’ll ask for a copy of her zine and actually read it this time. Hopefully she is doing well. I go outside and walk across to her apartment. It’s still odd to me that she has one of those camera door bells, especially as she has been staunchly against increased surveillance. I go to knock again but at the last second decide to use the door bell instead. It lights up and I hear Vi’s voice. “Hello, I’ll be there in a second.” I wait, produce in hand for a few seconds and then her door slowly opens. “Hi Vi! It's great to see you!!!” “Hello, Leah, how have you been doing? Oh and please, call me Violet now.” Something seems a little off with her, she seems a little… calmer than usual? Maybe she is just getting over something. She also has never gone by her full name before. But we have all gone through a rebrand before, hell I’m on my third name, not including nicknames. “I wanted to stop by and check in on you. No one has heard from you in a while and Dylan told me yesterday you didn’t go to church on Sunday. I wanted to make sure you weren't sick or something.” “Oh and I brought you these.” I hand over the produce and she hesitates for a moment, then smiles, slowly, like she is unsure about this situation. I see something odd in her smile but I can’t tell if I’m just being paranoid, maybe I need to go see a psych. Then she grabs the produce from my hands. “Thanks, Leah! Oh no I am fine. I have just been so busy with everything. I started going to a new church and I had that meeting with the landlord. We had the meeting at his church and I found it to be such a welcoming and cozy place. That’s why Dylan didn’t see me.” I looked at her for a moment and her smile faded. “Oh also, I wanted to finally read your zine! What was it called again something like ‘Christ was a Socialist: Why Christians Must Organize’? Sorry it’s taken me so long to read it, I know you cared a lot about it. Do you have an extra copy?” Now her face warped to a stern almost repulsed expression. Maybe she is upset with me for putting it off so long, maybe that's why this whole interaction seems so odd. “I do not have any more copies. I decided to stop writing and publishing them. After talking with the Pastor he pointed out the flawed reasoning I wrote with.” This is such a stark change, I feel a chill running through my body. I look at Violet’s eyes and the flame that usually resides there is gone, the joy that normally radiates from her is nowhere to be found. I want to go back to my apartment, hell I want to run. “Sorry that I didn’t read it sooner then. Well I’m glad you are doing okay, I think I’m going to go home now.” I almost ask about the camera but stop myself. Behind her I see the glow of the TV and another security camera in the corner of her living room. Maybe she is just worried about what happened to that organizer in Durham, or maybe it's something else. “I hope you have a good evening.” Violet says and smiles. I think I see something again in her smile and this time I get a better look. It almost looks like a wire, it must just be something in her tooth. “You too Violet, stay safe. Let me know if you need anything.” I do an awkward half run to my apartment door as I hear her close the door behind me. Before entering my apartment I look behind me and see her doorbell, still glowing. I shut my door, making sure it’s locked and rush to my room, again locking the door behind me. What the fuck. That was so weird. Maybe I’m going crazy. I try to sleep but can’t. I keep thinking about Violet’s smile and whatever was in her teeth. Maybe it was pasta or a noodle or something else. I just need to calm down. I even lock my own bedroom door in my apartment despite living alone. I can't shake the feeling that despite the locked doors, the closed blinds, my apartment walls, I am being watched. I wake up the next morning, in sheets soaked with sweat. I don’t remember falling asleep. I think I took my nightly progesterone? Although I can’t remember too clearly. I think I’m just over reacting, people change all the time. It sucks but Violet can make her own decisions. I shower, brush my teeth, take my morning pills, and get dressed for work. As I leave I check my phone and see an email from Violet to everyone in the tenants' union. Meeting Notice: Tonight’s meeting location has been changed. The Spirit has graciously allowed us to use their larger space for tonight's meeting. We will no longer be meeting at my apartment. Odd to change locations the day of, frankly, unless it can’t be avoided. It's just sloppy organizing. But if it's a good location, I guess it isn’t too odd. Work goes by pretty uneventfully. I decide I’m going to skip out on this meeting. The church is a long walk from my apartment and I don’t have a car. After last night’s conversation, I also don’t want to ask Violet for a ride, I am still just a little off put. It’s also a Friday night, so instead I’ll stay in, drink a PBR, call my parents, and maybe watch a goofy old horror movie in my living room. It is October after all. I still had some trouble sleeping last night but that might have been more due to watching the movie Hardware than anything. Don’t get me wrong, it was goofy, but it was still more jarring than I expected. Maybe I shouldn't have watched a movie about a killer robot and surveillance after the other day. But at least it is Saturday. I decide to go on a walk, to feel the crisp October air. After getting ready and taking my hormones I walk out the door. The camera on Violet’s door lights up, I turn and notice that all the apartments have video door bells now. My hair stands up. I walk up the stairs to the apartment above me and they are all the same. Each door bell flashes light blue as I walk past it. I rush back down the stairs and away from the apartments. Fuck this is insane. I have to be going crazy. I have an appointment with my therapist on Monday, I might ask for a psych referral. I need to see if anyone else is noticing this. I need to talk to someone that doesn't live here. I decide to go to Violet’s old church. Dylan and her always spoke highly of it. Maybe the preacher will have noticed something too. Or maybe I can get a neutral voice to tell me I should seek professional help and that I am losing my grip on reality. Violet always said her church was open to everyone and the preacher loved talking to anyone, even nonbelievers. I arrive at the church and the parking lot is empty except for one car with its trunk open. It’s loaded with books, office supplies, and other miscellaneous boxes. The church windows are boarded up. I see a woman, walking out of the church with a box, pausing to lock the door behind her. She seems professional but a little upset. “Hi, I was wondering if I could speak to the preacher but I’m not sure if this is the right place. My friend Violet, used to come here and always spoke highly of it. I’m Leah by the way.” “Nice to meet you, I wish you came at a better time. I’m Preacher Anne. Vi was a great member, I wish I heard from her recently.” “Is everything okay? It looks like you are shutting down.” “Things have been better. Our congregation has been dwindling more and more to the point where closure has been recommended. But that lets me serve God in other areas. Maybe it’s an opportunity to serve other communities. What did you want to speak about?” “Sorry this may sound weird. I wanted to get an opinion from someone outside my situation. And Violet and Dylan used to speak so highly of you. I can’t tell if something weird is happening or if I am losing my grip on reality and should see a doctor. It feels like something is wrong with Violet, like she is a different person after starting at that new church. She seems so different. She has stopped writing and something feels wrong about her, everyone has started installing video door bells and I always feel like I am being watched,” as I speak I realize that I must sound like a lunatic. Preacher Anne looks concerned but she still holds a warmth in her gaze. “I’m sad to hear Violet stopped writing, I know she used to love working on her essays and handing them out. She is a real force for good. Maybe you need to talk to her about your concerns. I would consider seeing a doctor if you are concerned about your own mind, maybe you are right or maybe you are a little disoriented, it wouldn’t hurt either way.” “Thank you, I think you are right. I should talk to Violet again. Maybe I’m just shaken up, work has been stressful recently. Thank you again. I should go check in on Violet.” “Thank you for letting me know about Violet. Could you please let her know I’m always here for her even though I’m leaving? She has my number. Let me put it in your phone in case you want to reach out to me too and I hope you feel better soon.” “Thanks,” I go to hand her my phone, noticing just before I do, that the camera light is on. I dismiss it as paranoia, give her the phone, she adds her contact, and we say goodbye. I check my phone again but the camera is off. I hear her close her trunk as I walk back to the apartments. I take a deep breath and knock on Violet’s door. No answer. After a short pause I ring her doorbell. The door swings open. Violet is there smiling. This time I don’t see anything in her mouth. Behind her I see, wilted on the coffee table, in the glow of the T.V. the spinach and herbs I brought last night. “Hi Violet,” I feel my heart racing. “Hello, Leah. I am sorry we missed you at last night’s meeting. It was really important.” “Oh maybe we could chat for a little and you could fill me in. I wanted to talk about a few things.” “Sorry, Leah, I am just so busy tonight. You should come to church with me tomorrow. We can talk during the ride back after service.” “I wouldn’t want to impede,” I try to get out of the invitation because this whole thing is creeping me out. “Oh it’s nothing. Besides, we haven't talked in a while and I am already driving Johnathan.” This shocks me, Jonathan is our landlord. I didn’t realize they were close now. I decide ‘fuck it’ I have been a bad friend to Violet for a while. One service won't kill me. “Sure I’ll come. They are fine with trannies like me right?” I half laugh, kinda awkwardly. “They accept everyone, to put them on the right path. Be ready by eight.” I had a horrible night’s sleep. Full of nightmares and sweating. One dream stays with me. Being spread on an operating table, unable to move, as a surgeon hacks apart my body removing limbs before digging out my heart. I get ready, take my hormones, and then at 8 on the dot, Violet knocks on my door. We greet and I follow her to the car. Jonathan is sitting in the passenger’s seat so I sit in the back, sweating through my blouse. I feel like I have made a mistake but at this point I have to go. If for no other reason to dispel my fears. We drive for a while. “You chose a great day to come,” Jonathan says in a voice that is almost monotone. “They are doing baptisms today.” “He is right Leah! I had mine the other week, it was such a beautiful experience.” The rest of the car ride is silent. We get to the church. It is one of those large strip mall buildings with a large sign reading The Spirit. A place that I struggle to believe could have anything beautiful. As we approach the door my whole body tenses up and all I want to do is run. Before I can turn around I feel Violet and Jonathan both grab my shoulder. They hold tight, harder than reassurance and guide me through the doors. I hear them lock behind me. The windows are all painted so no light goes through. As I am guided forward I almost trip over what feels like a thick cord but Jonathan’s grasp keeps me upright. As we reach the center of the room, bright fluorescents switch on disorienting me. The walls are covered with screens, each one with a camera feed, each one outside and inside of apartments and homes across the country. Each one is always watching. In the center of the room is a large apparatus. It is a steel chair with a large claw protruding upwards and straps on the arms. Wires from around the room connect into it and the center of the claw glows light blue. I try to run but Jonathan and Violet’s grips seem mechanical holding me in place, pushing me towards the chair. After my futile struggle they strap me down. Behind me I hear a door open then shut. A man in a button up shirt and slacks walks into my field of view. He is smiling. “Hello Michael,” He peers into me as he says it. How does he know that name, no one does. Not even Violet. What the fuck is happening? I struggle against my restraints but I can’t move at all. “I’m The Pastor.” “Fuck you.” I spit into his face but he doesn’t react, he doesn’t even flinch. “Michael, that's not very kind of you. You truly have strayed. But we are here to put you back on track. This is your baptism after all.” Every ounce of energy in me pulls against the straps. I kick and swear but I can’t move. “You abandoned your Christian name. And mutilated the body the Lord gave you. It must have made your parents so sad. It must have been so painful for them. They must miss their son.” “Fuck you, my parents love me!” I begin to cry as I realize my struggle is in vain. “But I will fix that, your body and your mind will be fixed to please my Lord. As will everyone else in this blessed country. Just like Violet and Dylan.” He won’t stop smiling. The Pastor steps back. He stands in front of Violet and Jonathan. “Please Violet dont let them do this to me! You know who you are! Help me please,” I sob. Then the claw above me begins to move. For its mechanical appearance, it is shockingly fluid. The claw opens fully and I stare down it’s sharp maw, into a camera. The claw just forward digging into my chest. The pain is unbearable. It cuts through my skin and rips away at my breast. I feel the blood pouring from me, everything starts to fade. The Pastor said the pain in my chest will go away soon. I can’t believe I was astray for so long. My wounds healed in about a week, my body perfect for the lord. The stitches in my skull were extracted easily and my life as Micheal is great. I was so lost before. Violet’s tenants’ union meetings are a weekly bible study. Sometimes The Pastor even comes. And I don’t have to fear anything at night, as I know my door bell will keep me safe and report any suspicious activities. I am so happy to be a member of The Spirit, I know I’m on the right path.